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Ho-ho-flippin'-ho

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A seasonal sketch featuring not just one - but THREE Father Christmas's.

 

SCENE:  A table centre stage surrounded by 3 or 4 chairs.

 

COSTUME: Each of the characters wears traditional Santa Claus costume.

 

.

SANTA 1 enters.  He sits down and starts to take off his boots, grumbling and mimicking spoilt kids

SANTA 1

Ho-ho-ho.  Ho-ho-ho.  Ho-ho-flippin'-ho!  Bloomin' feet are killing me.  I'm sure these are a size too small.  This costume's like a sauna on legs, and the kids are never satisfied.  "Haven't you got a doll that wets itself?"  "This teddy's got a wonky ear 'ole."  "My mate's got a bigger gun than that."  "This is only a pretend camera."  What do they expect for 50p?  Auto-focus zoom lens?  What 'appened to "an orange, an apple and a penny"?  And then there's the parents.  I got one this morning complaining 'cause her kid wanted a soldier and when he got home it was just an empty box.  I told her it was an Action Man deserter!  All they ever want is guns and tanks and planes and bombs.  What happened to "peace and goodwill"?  And what's it all for?  So that "bootiful" Bernard Whats-is-name can make a fortune from his butterball turkeys.  Bloomin' con, if you ask me...all of it.  If I hear another bloomin' ho-ho-ho I'll scream.  
 

Off stage

SANTA 2

Ho-ho-ho!  
 

 

SANTA 1

Aagh!  
 

SANTA 2 enters

SANTA 2

You alright?  Shall I get you a doctor?  
 

 

SANTA 1

No, I am NOT alright... but it's not a doctor I need, it's a psychiatrist.  I must be crazy doing this. Does your nose itch?  
  Puzzled

SANTA 2

No, why?  
  Bitter

SANTA 1

You must have the real hair beard, then.  This synthetic fibre does nothing for my upper lip.  Look at this rash.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Give over.  You're always grumbling.  But I bet you love it really.  
 

 

SANTA 1

Love it?!  Sitting there with a wet knee for half the day, then just when you're beginning to dry out, another one gets nervous and does the honours.  Love it!  You must be joking.  What's to love?  
 

 

SANTA 2

Their smiling faces, their bright eyes, their eager anticipation...  
 

 

SANTA 1

Stop it, you sound like an advert for dog food.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Don't you just love it when they tell you, all serious, that they've moved since last Christmas and they haven't got a chimney in the new house.  
 

 

SANTA 1

I tell 'em I'm not coming.  If it won't go through the letter box they're not getting anything.  
  Dreamily

SANTA 2

"How's Prancer?" they say, and "Did you bring Rudolph?"  
 

 

SANTA 1

I tell 'em I've come on me bike... and I've sent the reindeer for dog meat.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Ain't it great when they gaze up at you, and you know you're fulfilling their dreams...  
 

 

SANTA 1

They've got a funny way of showing their appreciation.  They come running up to you and start thumping you in the belly.  
 

 

SANTA 2

So what's wrong with a few little playful punches in the tummy?  
 

 

SANTA 1

It's alright for you - yours is a cushion.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Don't you just enjoy the warm glow you get when you give a kid just what they want...  
 

 

SANTA 1

They want a clip round the ear, half of them.  Honest... I turned me back for a second and some kid pinched me egg timer.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Egg timer!? What do you mean?  
 

 

SANTA 1

I don't give 'em more than three minutes for 50p.  
  Shakes his head in disbelief

SANTA 2

   
 

 

SANTA 1

If anybody else asks me if Dudley Moore is still and elf, they'll find 50-pence-worth of Santa's Magic Grotto right ...  
  Interrupting

SANTA 2

Don't be like that.  Christmas is a time of fantasy, of magic, a time for families and kids, a time for giving...  
 

 

SANTA 1

Yeah.  It's giving me a headache.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Christmas is a time for celebration, for reflecting on what it really means...  
 

 

SANTA 1

I'll tell you what it really means.  Christmas means being back on the dole again.  Come December 24, you and me are out of a job, finished!  
 

 

SANTA 2

But don't you wish it could go on... you know, all year?  
  Sarcastic

SANTA 1

Yeah, 365 days of sweat rash from a polyester beard.  Not to mention the nappy rash from having your knee permanently wee'd on.  
  SANTA 3 enters, calling over his shoulder.

SANTA 3

Ho-ho-ho!  Be back in a little while.  
 

 

SANTA 1

You're taking a late break.  
  Laughs in a jolly way

SANTA 3

You know how it is... I had trouble parking the reindeer.  Anyway, how's things?  
 

 

SANTA 1

Grotty at the grotto.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Don't listen to him.  It's super in Santa-land.  
  Getting up and making his way offstage

SANTA 1

Oh well, back to the grindstone.  How's YOUR lip?  
  SANTA 3 looks puzzled

SANTA 3

Eh?  
 

 

SANTA 2

Don't worry about it.  He's just grumbling ... again.  He can't wait for it to be over.  
 

 

SANTA 3

And you?  
 

 

SANTA 2

I wish it could go on for ever, but I suppose everything's got to come to an end.  
 

 

SANTA 3

Not necessarily. It can go on.  
 

 

SANTA 2

What do you mean?  It'll be Christmas next week.  
 

 

SANTA 3

But it doesn't have to end at Christmas.  
 

 

SANTA 2

They can hardly keep running Santa's Grotto until Easter.  
 

 

SANTA 3

Sure, Christmas has to end.  But what it's all about can go on ...  
 

 

SANTA 2

What do you mean?  
 

 

SANTA 3

Well, Christmas is more than grottos and fairy lights, more than presents and Christmas trees.  A lot more.  
 

 

SANTA 2

You’re right.  I suppose there’s the joy of giving, being with your family, sharing in the fun.  
 

 

SANTA 3

There’s even more than that.  
 

 

SANTA 2

You mean, carol singing and church and all that?  I suppose that’s alright if you’re religious.  I don’t mind it myself, but it’s not everybody’s cup of tea.  I mean, it’s alright in small doses...  
 

 

SANTA 3

 ... but you wouldn’t want it to go on all year.  I know what you mean.  No, I was thinking of something else.  Actually ... someONE else.  
 

 

SANTA 2

I don’t follow.  
 

 

SANTA 3

Jesus.  I was thinking of Jesus.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Well, of course, that’s what Christmas is all about.  I suppose it wouldn't be the same without the baby in the manger.  It’d be a bit silly having Christmas without the baby Jesus.  
 

 

SANTA 3

But some people do leave him out.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Like ol’ “grumpy clogs” you mean?  
 

 

SANTA 3

Him, and a lot of others. Not only do they leave Jesus out of Christmas, but they leave him out of life in general.  If only they’d realise that Jesus can make all the difference ... not only to Christmas, but to every day.  
 

 

SANTA 2

AFTER Christmas?  
 

 

SANTA 3

Sure.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Even when the turkey’s been eaten?  
 

 

SANTA 3

That’s right.  
 

 

SANTA 2

When the batteries have run out?  
 

 

SANTA 3

Recharges your system.  
 

 

SANTA 2

Every day?  
 

 

SANTA 3

Every day.  
 

 

SANTA 2

All year?  
 

 

SANTA 3

For ever.  
  Getting up to leave

SANTA 2

I’d like to know more ...  
  Mumbled conversation as SANTA 2 and SANTA 3 walk off together.   - END -