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The Door

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Because this is a very visual sketch, there is necessarily a lot of stage direction.  Feel free to improvise.

 

SCENE:  A door set in a wall.  It is essential that the door is capable of opening.

 

Enter two “robbers” dressed in striped jumpers, caps and black eye-masks (as in the Beano comic).  They are likeable “larger than life” characters.  CHARLIE carries a sack marked “SWAG”.  BERT carries a tool-bag.   He places the tool-bag in such a position that he can take out a succession of props – which in total would never have fitted into the bag.  (It may be possible to rig up a small screen to achieve this effect.)  As there are quite a few props, some of which may be difficult to obtain, it may be easier to draw them (in black and white) and cut them out of stiff card, so that they are deliberately two-dimensional.  This particular ploy, rather than detracting from the sketch, actually adds to the “cartoon” effect.

 

With a nifty look over his shoulder, CHARLIE swaggers confidently across to the door.

 

   

CHARLIE

What do you reckon, Bert?

 
   

BERT

Dunno, Charlie.  You’re the expert.

 
  CHARLIE scans the door and its surrounds.

CHARLIE

No alarm system; no bolts; no padlocks; no nuffing.

 
   

BERT

You’re right, Charlie.

 
   

CHARLIE

A doddle.

 
   

BERT

To work?

 
   

CHARLIE

To work.

 
  BERT takes out from the bag a small collapsible card-table and sets it up centre-stage.  From the bag, BERT also takes out a tool-roll and unrolls it on the table.  Meanwhile, CHARLIE is methodically putting on a pair of rubber gloves and flexing his fingers.  The two adopt an air of professionalism, as if they were surgeons at an operation.  CHARLIE is the “chief surgeon”, BERT is his assistant.      
  CHARLIE holds out hand to BERT.

CHARLIE

Spray.

 
  BERT clasps his hands and bows his head in prayer. CHARLIE looks wonderingly at BERT then cuffs him round the head.      
   

CHARLIE

I said, “spray” … the spray.

 
  BERT takes an aerosol can from the tool-roll and hands it to CHARLIE.

BERT

Sorry, I thought ….Spray.

 
  CHARLIE sprays into the keyhole of the door.

CHARLIE

Keys.

 
  BERT hands CHARLIE a large bunch of keys from the tool-roll.

BERT

Keys.

 
  CHARLIE looks expertly at the keys before choosing one.  He tries it in the lock only to find that it doesn’t fit.  He glances over his shoulder to see if BERT has noticed before selecting a second choice, then a third, then a fourth.  BERT loses interest and starts to read a comic.  CHARLIE eventually hands back the keys with a casual toss of the head.

CHARLIE

I … er … think we’ll try the picks.

 
  BERT hands CHARLIE a bunch of angled wires of various sizes.

BERT

Right you are, Charlie.  Picks.

 
  CHARLIE flexes his fingers before delicately choosing a pick.  He tries this in the lock with no success.  As before, he tries various others to no avail.  BERT, meanwhile, is picking his finger-nails meticulously.

CHARLIE

Of course … should have seen it earlier.  Screwdriver.

 
  BERT hands CHARLIE a screwdriver from the tool-roll.

BERT

Of course.  Screwdriver.

 
  CHARLIE makes an attempt to unscrew the lock.  No success.

CHARLIE

Philips screwdriver.

 
  BERT looks puzzled.

BERT

Philip’s got it.

 
   

CHARLIE

Doh!  Philips screwdriver … with the little star thingy on the end of it.

 
  BERT hunts for screwdriver and passes it to CHARLIE.

BERT

Oops!  Philips screwdriver.

 
  CHARLIE now works his way through a succession of tools, becoming slightly more frantic with each new demand.  He shields what he is doing from BERT and the audience but loud thumping, clanking, bashing noises betray that it lacks finesse.

CHARLIE

Pliers.

 
   

BERT

Pliers.

 
   

CHARLIE

Hammer.

 
   

BERT

Hammer.

 
   

CHARLIE

Chisel.

 
   

BERT

Chisel.

 
   

CHARLIE

Drill.

 
  BERT now resorts to the tool-bag and hands CHARLIE a drill

BERT

Drill.

 
   

CHARLIE

Jemmy.

 
   

BERT

Jemmy.

 
   

CHARLIE

Sledge.

 
  BERT producies a snow-sledge from the tool-bag.

BERT

Sledge.

 
   

CHARLIE

SledgeHAMMER!

 
  BERT hunts in the bag to find the tool.

BERT

As you were, Charlie.  Sledgehammer.

 
  CHARLIE now sets about trying to demolish the door, but to no avail.  He then turns his attention to digging around the base of the door.

CHARLIE

Spade.

 
   

BERT

Spade.

 
   

CHARLIE

Pickaxe.

 
   

BERT

Pickaxe.

 
   

CHARLIE

Pneumatic drill.

 
   

BERT

Pneumatic drill.

 
  CHARLIE finally turns from the door, exhausted.  Tools litter the ground.  Sweat drips from his forehead.

CHARLIE

This one’s slightly more difficult than usual, Bert.

 
  BERT is still chirpy

BERT

If you say so, Charlie.

 
   

CHARLIE

It’s a little extreme, perhaps, but …. Pass me the jelly!

 
  BERT reaches into the tool-bag to produce a plate of jelly

BERT

Ho-ho, jelly, eh, Charlie.

 
   

CHARLIE

Not jelly …. Gelly …. Gelignite!

 
  BERT roots around in the bag.

BERT

Sorry, Charlie, my mistake.  Gelignite.

 
  CHARLIE fixes the gelignite to the door.

CHARLIE

Detonator.

 
   

BERT

Detonator.

 
  CHARLIE eases the detonator into the gelignite.

CHARLIE

Cable.

 
   

BERT

Cable.

 
  CHARLIE attaches the cable to the detonator.

CHARLIE

Plunger.

 
  BERT produces a rubber sink-plunger.

BERT

Plunger.

 
  CHARLIE is exasperated and forms his hands into fists.  He starts to advance on BERT but checks himself and turns his fists downwards to mime the plunging action.

 

   
  BERT looks quizzical – then likewise makes a plunging action – realises – and turns to produce a plunger-detonator from the tool-bag.

 

   
 

CHARLIE attaches the end of the cable to the plunger mechanism.  Carrying the plunger, CHARLIE and BERT retreat to the far side of the stage – perhaps even to the back of the hall.  BERT puts his fingers in his ears.

 

   
   

CHARLIE

Fingers.

 
  BERT does not hear, because he has his fingers in his ears.

BERT

   
  CHARLIE removes BERT’s fingers and repeats …

CHARLIE

Fingers.

 
  BERT now stands behind CHARLIE and places his fingers in CHARLIE’s ears as CHARLIE prepares to operate the plunger to detonate the explosive.

BERT 

Sorry, Charlie.

 
  CHARLIE plunges!  There is a loud explosion!  Bursting a balloon just offstage is quite effective.  Alternatively, a large jagged “flash-card” printed with the word “BANG” appears near the door.  The door stands intact.  CHARLIE and BERT make their way back to the door.  CHARLIE sinks to a seated position on the floor.

CHARLIE

   
  Weakly

CHARLIE

Bucket.

 
  BERT produces a bucket of water from the bag

BERT

Bucket.

 
   

CHARLIE

Sponge.

 
  BERT produces a sponge from the bucket

BERT

Sponge.

 
   

CHARLIE

(Sighs.)

 
  BERT squeezes the wet sponge over CHARLIE’s head.  BERT sinks to the ground beside CHARLIE.

BERT

(Sighs.)

 
         
  Without a word, a young CHILD enters and walks across to the door.  The CHILD steps over BERT and CHARLIE and knocks firmly on the door.  The door opens and the CHILD enters.  CHARLIE collapses even further to lay full-stretch on the ground.  BERT takes CHARLIE's legs and drags him from the scene.  

 

 
 

- END -

 

 

Jesus said, “I am the door.” (JOHN 10:9)

“…to him who knocks it will be opened.”  (LUKE 10:10)